It has been 27 months since I sent an email response to former WNS director Trevor Maxwell, accepting my teaching position at West Nairobi School. Over the past two years, I’ve seen ups and downs, experienced growth and setbacks, been lost and found once again. 27 months ago, I’m not sure that I could have anticipated any of what has happened to me in my life as a missionary educator. 27 months ago, I though my life would be a bit simpler. A bit more predictable. Perhaps I would learn a modest 3 or 4 lessons during my time with NICS. Well, folks, it’s 27 lessons and counting.
I realize that 27 is an odd number. It probably would have made more sense for me to give a list of 25 lessons learned in 25 months – or maybe I should have waited another few months to complete 30 in 30. But in a country that seems to hold no regard for schedules or predictability of any kind and which clings confidently, and perhaps imprudently, to goals and campaigns such as “Vision 2030,” which seeks to catch up with the rest of the world – including completely eradicating national poverty – in 20 years… I think selecting the strange and unexpected “27” is completely appropriate. Even conventional.
So here are the lessons I've learned, in three "installments." First: Living Life in a Third World Nation.
Lesson 27. You Just Can’t Sanitize it All: Cleanliness and general sanitation are essential in the West. In the third world: merely suggestions. Expect food poisoning and plenty of parasite and amoeba visitors to enjoy the journey with you whilst living abroad.
Lesson 26. Bugs in Food = Indicator of Third World Comfort: When living in the third world, you will inevitably come across a critter in your dinner. What you do in response is directly indicative of your assimilation to third world cultural living. Phase 1: Upon noticing the “contaminant,” you promptly destroy the entire meal. Phase 2: You notice the little guy, remove him, and continue eating. Phase 3: You acknowledge the critter’s presence, shrug, and keep on truckin’. Congratulations, you’re officially a native.
Lesson 25. The “Guys” – In order to successfully live in a third world nation, you will find that your daily needs are met not in driving your SUV to the local WalMart or Whole Foods, but instead splitting your patronage amongst a variety of local entrepreneurs: a.k.a.: the “guys.” Eventually, you will have a Firewood Guy, a Pirated DVDs Guy, a Juice Guy, Car Wash Guy, Knife Sharpener Guy, even a Tortilla/English Muffin/Strawberry guy. To quote Lil’ Mama (a favorite judge on a favorite American television program), we “love the fellas.”
Lesson 24. Power Outages, Like Clockwork – In America, the power goes out for 15 minutes and an entire city cries out in anguish, rushing to their freezers and quickly consuming ice cream and other frozen goods before they melt and staring sadly into the TV or computer screen, in their fear of the onset of boredom thinking, Now where did we put all of those old puzzles? Here, the power goes out and life goes on in the dark as if nothing had happened. The power company will randomly select odd hours to switch off the entire nation’s power for conservation purposes. If it hasn’t rained in a while, watch out. Expect the power to go out exactly as you’re in the middle of shampooing or drying your hair, baking something, drafting an important email, or putting on your makeup. Another phenomenon is the occasional “half power” days in which current will flow, but won’t fully power anything. Dim light bulbs flicker like candles and the microwave groans. And don’t even think about grinding coffee or opening the refrigerator.
Lesson 23. The Art of Playing Chicken: Driving in the third world is particularly challenging. In the time it takes you to drive from your house to the grocery store, you will hit dozens of speed bumps and crater-sized potholes, be required to drive on the shoulder or sidewalk to avoid an oncoming matatu, dart between bicyclers, pedestrians and stray dogs, and slam on your brakes behind large busses without brake lights. The only rule: don’t hit anything or anyone, and don’t kill anybody.
Lesson 22. Don’t Trust the Police: Apart from being oftentimes incredibly ridiculous (traffic cops wear helmets reminiscent of that movie “Spaceballs”), the police aren’t even there to serve and protect. Police officers don’t have vehicles of their own (I’ve seen two patrol cars and a few motorcycles in my time here), so their threats of taking you to the police station involve you unlocking your car doors and letting them in the passenger seat. Officers are much happier to simply take a bribe (“What can you do for me?”) for your violation. Follow your own conscience, but let it be known that it’ll either be paying the guy off, or standing in a crowded police station for six to ten hours that will follow your legitimate or imagined breakage of the law.
Lesson 21. No Need for an Alarm Clock: You’ve got the call to prayer each morning at 5 am. Wait a little bit longer and you’ll wake to the ear-splitting blasts of the Ibis birds awkwardly perched in the trees outside your window.
Lesson 20. All-Purpose Ingredients: Never cooked in a third-world nation before? No problem. All you need are the following items from your local Nakumatt, Chandarana, or sketchy duka: White sugar, rice, ugali flour, salt, Blue Band (non-refrigeratable margarine substitute) mchuzi mix (Kenyan all-purpose spice blend) and tea. Flavor’s overrated, anyway.
Lesson 19. “Looking is Free”: Attempting to barter at the local market or bazaar can be an intimidating and overwhelming process. Don’t worry, though, you can do this. Just follow the following tips: No. 1. Don’t carry large bills with you – and feel free to fib about how much you actually do have on your person, or else you will certainly be taken advantage of. Example: “You want 3000 KSH for that set of spoons? Pole sana, I have only 300.” Don’t feel bad. The spoons are only worth 100 bob, but they see that you’re an American and know they can rip you off. No. 2. Carry “tradable” items with you. It’s amazing how often I’ve been approached and offered a discount on something or even a free item for the hair elastic on my wrist. No. 3. Don’t make eye contact unless you’re ready to make a purchase. Pointing also indicates that you’re interested and want to buy. Make eye contact with a vendor selling something you’re not interested in at all, and you can bet you’ll either be stuck at their stall much longer than you’d planned, make an enemy, or buy something you later regret.
Installments 2 and 3, complete with Life Lesson 18 down to #1 to come soon :)