Sympathizing with Eliza

There’s a moment at the end of My Fair Lady when Eliza Doolittle (the always lovely Audrey Hepburn) returns home from the night of a lifetime, still dressed in a gorgeous evening gown and decked with diamonds from head to foot, when she throws herself to the floor and sobs into the arm of a chair, “But what’s to become of me?  What’s to become of me?”  And Henry Higgins, the linguistics expert who has transformed Eliza over several months from a “guttersnipe” flower girl with rough manners and a terrible cockney accent, into a well-spoken, well-mannered, and beautiful young woman – who that very night, everyone mistakes for a princess – stands, incredulous, over the weeping girl.  Eliza is grief-stricken, frightened, confused, and even angry.  She doesn’t seem to know what to do with herself.

I think today I understand Eliza.  She’s coming down from an incredible experience in which she’s been entirely transformed.  One day she was plucked out from the gutter, the next she was waltzing with Statesmen and princes at a ball.  Of course she no longer speaks or behaves the same way as she used to, but the transformation has gone much deeper than that.  She no longer thinks the same way, nor does she view her own value in the same regard as she once did.  Higgins has completely changed her worldview, and exposed her to an entirely new life.  And now that the experiment is over, the bet has been won… Eliza succumbs to the realization that her life can no longer be the same and fears for her future. 

Like Eliza, I find myself transformed.  It is the end of a three-year season of my life and it seems that no area of my life has gone untouched.  Living in Kenya has exposed me to the third world and the people of an impoverished and corrupt nation – the extraordinarily wealthy scaling up the ladder to Western notions of success, whilst ignoring the great need around them.  I’ve begun a teaching career and spent 540 school days learning, adjusting, searching, and growing.  I’ve lived with six different women and learned much about living in community and the joys and sorrows of relationship.  I’ve worked under three completely different administration teams and seen co-workers come and go, student bodies change, seniors graduate, and this school become something completely different with each new year.  Most importantly, I’ve discovered more than I ever thought I could about my relationship with the Lord.

And I find myself on this day myself wondering, “What’s to become of me?”  I am walking away from a place that has utterly changed my mind and heart, and I’m walking into an uncertain future.  A door I had thought was open to me has now closed, and I find myself even more grief-stricken and perplexed.  God, what can you be doing here?  What reason do you have for taking me away from this place?  What reason can you have for keeping me so blind?  What do you have for me?  What would you have me do next?  I’m willing, Lord – so what’s to become of me? 

I’ve been reminded in the past week of other times in my life when I had made plans.  They were good plans – honorable and sincere.  Things like wanting to teach in an urban district, or applying to work for the Department of Defense Schools.  Different things I’d study.  Different areas where I could serve.  Relationships I thought were important.  Invariably, it seems that God, looking over the plans I’ve meticulously crafted, opts instead to stamp them “Denied.”  These were things I’d meant to do for Him, ideas I’d thought up trying to best use the gifts and talents and resources He’s given me.  Why was he giving me a “no” instead of the “yes” I expected?

In a few of these instances, hindsight has helped to illuminate the reasons why not.  The very fact that He led me to West Nairobi School here in Kenya was one of those instances.  I’d had a good little plan laid out, and He instead mapped this one out for me.  But in other cases, I still don’t have the answers I hoped for.  God said “no” without explaining why.  He has the right to do so – after all, He’s God.  But somehow that doesn’t make it easier to trust Him, even when I know full well that He is faithful, sovereign, and good.  And I’ll admit that I feel a little silly every time I realize that I’m calling out, “What’s to become of me?”  When “me” is never who it’s supposed to be about. 

I am entering a season now of waiting – waiting on the Lord to reveal His next steps for me.  I have hopes for what this future might be, but I think I’ve learned the folly of making plans.  I think God much prefers to keep us in the dark, walking by faith and not by sight.  And no matter how challenging it may be or reckless it may seem, it’s time now for me to trust that He has a far better plan than I could ever dream up for myself. 

So what's to become of me?  Heck if I know.  But it's time to trust Him.

the profundity of james

It has been quite some time since I last posted here.  For those of you faithful ones who check in here from time to time to read up on my life and ministry here in Nairobi and who are committed to praying for here, I'd like to explain why.

I love to write.  I really do.  But I've found in my process as a writer that when sharing something publicly in a forum such as this, that I have a certain set of criteria that needs to be met before I share something.  One: I never write in frustration or anger.  That's for emails to my mom, who in her unending patience puts up with my occasional venting.  Two: I don't write when I'm directly in the middle of a challenging experience.  "Directly" is the key word here.  We are all constantly in the middle of trials, aren't we?  But for me, I try to wait until I've listened for a bit to the Lord and I feel like He's given me some perspective on what He's walking me through.  And three: I don't write when I don't have anything to say.  

I haven't been angry and I've certainly been listening to lessons from the Lord.  And it's not that I don't have anything to say.  I'm just still processing.  But it's in the works.  This has actually been a power-packed season in my life of experiences and messes and lessons, and I'm anxious to find a quiet moment in my life (can you say contradiction?) to write it all out. Until then, let me share with you words from a far better writer than I.

It was my turn to lead staff devotions this past Tuesday.  Feeling the pressure of speaking during a very difficult time for our school, I decided it was best to just get into the Word and allow that to speak to my colleagues for itself.  I've been in James lately, and I've been in awe of how holistic this book it.  James doesn't mess around.  This is hard-hitting truth, and completely applicable for every Believer in every season of life.  So I condensed the entire book into a one-page handout for our staff.  If you have the time, read it.  Meditate on it.  Soak it in.  Let the Lord to speak to you as He has to me.  And if you're wanting to know how to pray for me and for this school and community, here you go:

James wrote to Jewish Christians who had been scattered throughout the Mediterranean world because of persecution.  In their hostile surroundings, they were tempted to let intellectual agreement pass for true faith.  This letter can have rich meaning for us as we are reminded that genuine faith transforms lives.  We are encouraged to put our faith into action.  It is easy to say we have faith, but true faith will produce loving actions towards others.

James 1 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 

¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸ He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.  ²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.

James 2 ¹² Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, ¹³ because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

²⁶ As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

James 3 ¹ Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ² We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

⁵Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

¹³ Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.

¹⁷ But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ¹⁸Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

James 4 ¹ What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

⁷ Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

James 5 ⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

¹³ Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.