third time not-so-charmed

There are people out there who absolutely love airports.  Frequent flyers, business execs in first class, pilots maybe, the people in Love Actually.. romantics.  I am not one of these people.  


I'm sitting in Columbus International Airport, getting ready to board the first of three flights that will take me back to my "second home."  Said a quick "band-aid" style goodbye to my parents in front of security and walked through the "Expert" traveller line, feeling pretty good about myself.  Then I headed through the new body scanner and the good feeling went away.  Standing in those little blue boxes, making a little triangle with my hands above my head made me feel a bit like a wanted felon.  Forgot to take the Pepto tablet out of my back pocket, so I got frisked by a lady who turned out to be quite pleasant.  


In Chicago, I'll meet up with my roommate, Jen, and from there we'll head on to London, and then down to Nairobi.  I'm so thankful to have a travel buddy for the bigger part of my journey, because the worst part of heading back is always the lonely 24 hour trek through airport after airport, security check after security check.  Inevitably, something disastrous but small always seems to happen and I always wished I could have someone to do this with.  Big blessing to have Jen in a couple of hours.  If nothing else, though, airports do afford a pretty incredible people-watching opportunity.  Families are the most fun to watch.  Lots of frantic energy.  There's a woman in a hot pink "Columbus, Ohio USA" t-shirt and big barrel-rolled bangs with bright pink reading glasses perched atop her fluffy head of hair sitting across the row from me, fishing through her bag.  Oh - I think she found it - chewing gum.  An airport essential.  See?  I'm already feeling better.


It has been an absolutely delightful, blessed, full, and satisfying summer.  I'm so thankful for all of the great family time, reunions with friends, and all the bouncing around the US I was able to do these past seven weeks.  I needed a nice rest, and this was it.  God was really good to me.  And while I'm still filled with the familiar anxious excitement that seems to grow with each item I pack into my suitcases, and then follows me like a disease the rest of the way.. I'm excited for the journey.  


I'll miss you all - thanks for your continued prayer and support!  

behind enemy lies

I love summer.  Love, love, love.  Praise the Lord teachers get a couple of months “off” each year, too.  I can’t imagine what kind of coping mechanisms I’d develop if I had to do this year-round.  Sneaking chocolate in between classes.  Locking my classroom door during lunch for a good cry.  Shopping binges.  A high-pitched speedy new speaking voice when addressing the constant needs of students.  Sarcasm.  See?  Summer’s necessary.  But as much as I’ve loved a true break from the hustle and bustle of teaching and life in Nairobi, this summer has still been pretty verb-filled with thinking, planning, researching, driving, emailing, doing, and working.  And there’s been plenty of time with friends and family, much reflection, and lots of quality time with the Lord, which was most important of all.  So for those of you faithfully praying for a restorative and energizing summer for me, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I left probably the shortest blog entry I’ve ever written here for you to read yesterday.  You were probably astonished that that’s all I had to say after a two and a half month absence from this forum.  I figured that a rapid-fire, present-tense narrative was probably the best way to express the intensity of that final month of school.  That’s just how it happened.  Zip, zip, zoom.  One experience to the next to the next to the next.  No time to rest, process, or think.  And then it was over.  Our first graduating class marched across a makeshift stage in a rented tent on our school pitch.  Our director finished up the hiring process before the end of the year and with the exception of finding a new principal (which we’re still hoping and praying for!), every teaching void was filled.  They’ve all survived NICS Pre-Field Orientation and will be arriving in Nairobi July 26 to begin their own journeys with us at West Nairobi School. So much happened.

However, I decided that you should know about a few specific things in that tangled web of experience.  Things I’m grateful you brought before the Lord for me.  And as I’ve had time to truly reflect upon this past year - one I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions was “much more difficult than the first” - I’ve had time to assess with hindsight the reality of my experiences.  Yes, it was a challenging year.  It’s true that in many ways, I felt more discouraged and dismayed than ever before.  But stepping away from the year has given me an opportunity to see the battle that waged this year.  God did tremendous things this year at our little school, and our Enemy decided to show up full force, too.  I was talking with a discouraged friend the other day and was prompted to share a bit of wisdom I remember picking up years ago: Satan whispers lies to us in first person.  In other words, when I hear “I’m worthless,” “I’m friendless,” “I have nothing to offer,” I easily believe that the spiritual battle is between me and myself.  False!  Our Enemy is an opportunist (thanks Beth Moore) and will use any measure of deceit necessary to strip us of our strength and confidence in the Christ in us.  So with my wits restored, here are some of the things I’ve realized were opportune situations of which Satan took advantage in my life this year.  Lies I believed to be true.  And the truth that existed all along.

AP English. As this was our first year at WNS with a senior class, we began the process of adding an Advanced Placement literature course to our curriculum at the end of my first year.  I felt exceedingly unprepared as a second-year teacher to teach a college-level literature course, but as with every challenge WNS has pitched me, I decided to give it the best I had and just take the process as a learning experience.  I felt that the course was really hit-and-miss all year, with lessons and activities and assignments that seemed to volley back and forth between big success and total mediocrity.  I really had no idea what to expect when I received notice that score reports would be available in July.  Lots of after-the-fact praying, I guess!  But I just checked my email the other day to find that of my four students who took the English Literature and Composition AP exam back in May, two received a score of 3, and the other two received perfect scores of 5.  What an incredible blessing.  Really gifted and talented students - and all four now have a well-deserved opportunity to earn credit upon entry into their chosen universities. 

The Deception: “I’m a terrible teacher.  I’ve failed in preparing my students for university and for life in general.  My students and their parents are disappointed in me and know how much I’ve failed.”

The Blessed Truth: I’m a capable teacher.  Not excellent - or even great - yet, but I’m doing what I can to create a classroom experience for my students that helps them to engage and learn.  And many of my students thrived.  God’s using my passion for worldview and preparing my students’ minds for the attacks of their future educational experiences and it’s working.

Five Preps.  My first year at WNS, everyone told me that I had way too much on my plate and that my load was unacceptable.  This year, I had even more to do.  The woman who was supposed to take my small section of American Literature students didn’t earn enough support and didn’t ever come to Nairobi, so I had an extra English prep all year.  I swapped out English 9 for AP English. We increased our Yearbook publication from 102 to 148 pages in a single year with a smaller staff and on a tighter deadline.  I directed and produced two full-length plays instead of one.  All the while, I’ve developed curriculum guides for nine different courses from scratch (two of which I’ve never even taught myself), gone through the accreditation process with the high school, built up programs that had been weak or non-existent, served as a class advisor, and worked with every committee who asked me for help.  I never felt the freedom to say “no” and I ran myself into the ground, feeling like a failure the entire way because I couldn’t ever seem to do any of these things with true excellence.

The Deception: “You’re never going to be enough.  They’re always going to want more.  You’re not good enough for this.  Everyone’s taking advantage of you and wants to see you fail.  Everything will be a dismal failure, and that will be your legacy.”

The Blessed Truth: With the single area of needing to work on my ability to return student work in a timely manner, I didn’t fail.  The plays were well received and sweet successes.  I didn’t have a single student fail any of my classes.  The yearbook was a huge hit.  Students learned and grew in my classroom.  And, praise the Lord, my load will be lightened and manageable for the first time next year.  No brand new courses to teach, no curriculum to write, no uncharted territory.  So the only thing that can happen is to build and improve.

Principal Departure.  The year was filled with tension between the members of our administration.  Differing personalities, visions, desires, and direction led to the ultimate disintegration of our administrative team.  When our principal ultimately left during the second semester of school, I noticed a numbed response from our staff.  We were deeply discouraged and disheartened by the departure of a woman who had had such great ideas and who had been such an affirmation to many.  But at the same time, no one seemed surprised to watch things fall apart.  The other two administrators picked things up and struggled through the rest of the year and people grew more disgruntled and ready for the end.  

The Deception: “This school is falling apart.  It’s a wasteland, filled with selfish, frustrated, and exhausted men and women with nothing left to give.  There’s no unity and no connectedness.  You’re on your own.  Better bail out before the whole thing tanks.”

The Blessed Truth: Students learned this year, and achieved great things academically.  Students developed strong and beautiful relationships with their peers and their teachers.  Many students came to Christ or rededicated their lives to holding Him as Lord of their lives this year.  Staff members enjoyed one another’s fellowship and learned from one another.  All of this happened despite the internal disasters.  God wants to use WNS and its students and staff for His glory, and He’ll continue to do that in spite of our failings.  The Enemy just wants to cut our legs out from under us and gain any small victory he’s able.

Outsiders.  I had a really rough final week of school.  Long story short, I received several angry, bitter, and inflammatory emails from a couple of individuals, attacking my professionalism, and worse: my character.  Each of these emails was copied to our director and lead high school teacher, which made the pain even deeper.  I was humiliated and deeply discouraged - enough so, that I questioned my desire to return to WNS.

The Deception: “I’m wasting everyone’s time, including my own.  This isn’t the job for me.  I’m terrible at what I’ve set out to do.  Everyone knows it.  I’m pathetic and it would have been better if the school had hired someone who could actually do this job well.  I’m finished.”

The Blessed Truth: I’m far from perfect.  I’ll fail now and then - there’s no getting around it.  But I haven’t failed completely, nor will God allow that to happen, so long as I depend upon Him for my strength.  People - even Christians - will let me down, misunderstand, and misrepresent me, too.  I shouldn’t take every attack as the end of the world.  I also shouldn’t weigh my worth as a teacher, as a missionary, or as a person on the perceptions of others.  My identity and value come from the Lord.  And He sees me as precious and of infinite value.

It’s my sincerest hope that you read these words and understand my heart.  I’m so thankful for the work that God has done and continues to do in my heart as a teacher of others and as His daughter.  I need to constantly take stock of how the Lord is at work, so that it doesn’t take serious reflection months and months later to realize the value in pain and struggle.  I’m confident that God loves West Nairobi School and has His hand on that place.  Please continue to pray against the deception of the Enemy and pray for the fortification of the hearts, minds, and strength of the servants He’s called to serve there.  May you, too, become aware of the lies you've bought into and the bondage you're held under.  My knees buckle and I stand stuck in that deception, unable to move forward.  I'm blind to the good and acutely aware of the bad.  It takes far too long for me to have my eyes opened to the truth and to see the battle waging.  May you be a much quicker study of your life, friends.  And may you find victory and encouragement in the good that God chooses to do in and through your life.

everything but the kitchen sink

Since I wrote you last...

Nineteen senior students leave for their trip to Turtle Bay on the Coast.  Three days sans senioritis.  Bliss.  A lock-in rehearsal with four high school boys and a male co-worker chaperone for The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Abridged.  The power goes out for several hours.  We eat questionable Chicken Inn sandwiches by flashlight while painting cardboard scenery in the dark amongst flying termites and other wildlife I’m glad I could not see.  Push-up competitions and squealing whilst trying on tights.  Boys.  Biannual Bazaar, complete with missionary families selling their household items for far more than they’re worth, Korean kimbap and German sausages, small children throwing wet sponges at the school director, and high school boys selling pirated DVD’s as a shady class fund-raiser.  AP English Literature and Composition exam.  Panic attacks.  International food fair and my freshman theatre students’ performances of ten-minute plays.  Of six partner teams scheduled to perform, only three show up.  Band concert.  Moving band risers from the chapel to move in the set for our play.  Opening night of The Complete Works.  The set falls down in the middle of the performance.  Smart improvisation from Korean actor: “Made in China.”  Tearing down the set and putting up risers.  Second band concert.  Putting the set back up.  Second performance of the play.  Less usage of the word “crap” in improvisation.  Improvement.  Applause.  Bouquets.  Saturday softball - students versus teachers.  Junior-Senior Banquet.  Canoodling.  Dress Code violations.  Student band.  Expedition into the woods to track down rogue senior students.  Too many students on bus home, so teachers squish eight people into five-person vehicle two hours later.  Staff dinner at Brazilian barbeque.  Never thought I’d eat meat again.  Senior chapel.  Disappointment.  Baccalaureate.  Sweet.  Exam week.  AP Author Study term papers due.  Grading, grading, grading.  Yearbooks arrive.  Signing parties around campus.  Entering grades.  Zero failures.  Graduation.  End of an era.  First graduating class.  Goodbyes and good luck’s.  Last day of school.  Locker clean-out.  Tearing down bulletin boards, student work, posters.  Six foot by six foot pile of garbage by my classroom door.  More goodbyes.  Storming downpours.  Mud on field.  Leaky tent.  Tears and smiles.  Celebration!  Continued room clean-out.  Check-out with director.  Nothing missing, all clear.  Packing up our house.  Three school workers bring small pickup truck to move boxes and furniture to on-campus storage.  What would be an American’s eight-trip venture turns into four round drips.  Gilbert hangs off the back and waves at the gate.  Pulled over by Kenyan police due to wide and high loading.  Goodbye Lampco Court.  Staying at the Tso’s house.  Playing Wii until projector needs to be returned to the school.  Final trips to Maasai Markets and Amani for gifts to take home.  Even more goodbyes.  Van full of people to Jomo Kenyatta Airport in the rain.  Check baggage.  Reflection.  28 hour travel back home.  Columbus.  Reunion.

And that’s just the month of May!  More reports on summer to come :)